Friday, October 17, 2008

Numb

Forgive me for the following melodramatic entry, but I suppose that is just the emotional state I am currently in...

Do you ever feel numb? Kind of like you don't know where to go, where you belong. I think i'm finally ready to kind of admit that for a while now I have been wandering life often going through the motions rather than actually living. I don't mean my Christian faith, because more often than not this numbness has pushed be to draw nearer to the only One who can get my heartrate back to normal. I feel as though I'm paused, not stagnant, just.... still. Happiness, not joy, but rather true happiness, is something I have not felt in a long time. Yes, I can get depressed easily, this is something I know full well, but I am not even sure that I am depressed. As I said, this feeling, this state that I have been in for several months now is more like a numb feeling.

Joy...

I find so much joy in the ministry that God has blessed with me, so much so that when I am away from that ministry or reading God's Word, that dreaded feeling of apathy washes over me. I'm trying to figure out why that is... Sometimes I think i'm so content, I don't know what to do with myself. Other times I feel completely dissatisfied with my relationships and surroundings. Sometimes I wish I could just jump on a plane and leave, break the barrier of spoonfed Christianity and actually go out into the real world. Something keeps me here every year though. Something always brings me back... I know i'm here for a reason, and like I said, I love the ministry and the school, but sometimes I just wish my life would begin...

Restless...

Fact: I have never lived in one place for longer than three years.
Fact: When I get to the third year I feel ready to leave.
Fact: It is my fourth year at Liberty University.
Fact: I am restless, I hunger for adventure, I have an insatiable desire to wander, discover, explore...
Maybe I think that if I move i'll be happy again... Am I going to be that person who will not be able to settle down?

Sorry if this is a random string of thoughts... I know there isn't any significant tie, no proper conclusion... I suppose I'm using this blog just as I should... to express thoughts that need to be written, that need to be catalogued...

Wednesday, October 8, 2008

Love In a Coffin

I don't know a single person on this planet who would say that there is nothing more they desire than to be vulnerable, exposed, and comepletely ok with taking a risk that may involve their heart being trampled on. Infact, if anyone ever said that to you, I guarantee your response would be a look that made them feel as though their height barely reached the two-inch mark. No one ever says that they're ok with the vulnerability, with their heart being buried alive and someone dancing on its grave, no one ever says something like that.
What if I were to tell you that, even though no one thinks that way, or feels that way, they must be willing for their heart to undergo that risk in order to truly love? And what a risk it is!
I suppose that what I am trying to say is that this is the risk that I have recently had to face, in all of my relationships. Our relationship with God, friends and family all involve this risk. Fortunately, the relationship with God is one that is guaranteed, even in the midst of our most horrible sins. But even with that guarantee, we are so scared, so worried about that risk. Even when it comes to our relationship with the all-powerful, almighty God, we would rather have control, we'd rather call the shots. But it is not necessarily this relationship with God that I am anxious about, but rather with friends.
Take, for instance, the girls on my hall. I am already so attached, I have already risked so much, but it is simply a fact of life that we all move on, and things change from year to year, especially here, at LU. This being said, I find I have been pulling away from them more and more for fear that next year I will not be able to see them, be near to them. In order for my relationship and bond to grow with them, however, I would have to set aside that fear, and love them unconditionally, even if one of those conditions is the reality that I may not ever see them again after this year...

I suppose that everything that I am trying to say can be summed up in this quote by C.S. Lewis and resolved by a lot of prayer:

“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket- safe, dark, motionless, airless--it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable.”

Sure, we can choose to not love, to not be vulnerable, but then, what use would that love that God has gifted us with have on His work and His kingdom? His glory is more magnified when we love as He loved: unconditionally, always pursuing and vulnerable.

I suppose I can leave you with this last thought: can you imagine how God feels everytime his vulnerable and unconditional love is rejected?