Friday, October 17, 2008

Numb

Forgive me for the following melodramatic entry, but I suppose that is just the emotional state I am currently in...

Do you ever feel numb? Kind of like you don't know where to go, where you belong. I think i'm finally ready to kind of admit that for a while now I have been wandering life often going through the motions rather than actually living. I don't mean my Christian faith, because more often than not this numbness has pushed be to draw nearer to the only One who can get my heartrate back to normal. I feel as though I'm paused, not stagnant, just.... still. Happiness, not joy, but rather true happiness, is something I have not felt in a long time. Yes, I can get depressed easily, this is something I know full well, but I am not even sure that I am depressed. As I said, this feeling, this state that I have been in for several months now is more like a numb feeling.

Joy...

I find so much joy in the ministry that God has blessed with me, so much so that when I am away from that ministry or reading God's Word, that dreaded feeling of apathy washes over me. I'm trying to figure out why that is... Sometimes I think i'm so content, I don't know what to do with myself. Other times I feel completely dissatisfied with my relationships and surroundings. Sometimes I wish I could just jump on a plane and leave, break the barrier of spoonfed Christianity and actually go out into the real world. Something keeps me here every year though. Something always brings me back... I know i'm here for a reason, and like I said, I love the ministry and the school, but sometimes I just wish my life would begin...

Restless...

Fact: I have never lived in one place for longer than three years.
Fact: When I get to the third year I feel ready to leave.
Fact: It is my fourth year at Liberty University.
Fact: I am restless, I hunger for adventure, I have an insatiable desire to wander, discover, explore...
Maybe I think that if I move i'll be happy again... Am I going to be that person who will not be able to settle down?

Sorry if this is a random string of thoughts... I know there isn't any significant tie, no proper conclusion... I suppose I'm using this blog just as I should... to express thoughts that need to be written, that need to be catalogued...

1 comment:

Bethany said...

just read this today. thanks for sharing your thoughts. i can relate on so many levels. especially the longing for adventure. i think it's pretty normal. but the good news is that you get to go home soon. get some refreshment, some time with family and friends. and maybe get some clarity from the Lord as to where He's leading you after this season ends. enjoy it while it lasts. before you know it, your LU days will be just be college memories and lessons learned. thank you for all that you do to love the girls of E5 and serve them the way Jesus serves us! i'm so blessed by you. love you lots! <3