Saturday, February 28, 2009

I think i'll eat a worm

Nobody loves me,
Everybody hates me,
I think i'll eat a worm...

I know you've heard this song before... It's like the pity party theme song when you're eight years old. It's what we sing when we're feeling left out, unloved, talked about or just plain ignored. I know it's the selfish tendency of us all to want to be the center of attention sometimes, to speak out about ourselves, our personalities; to be known. It's within all of us to want to be loved and acknowledged as special and important. Heck, that's really all we know until we leave the stronghold of our ever forgiving, ever nourishing, ever loving mothers.

But then we're pushed into the real world, and in the real world, well, some of us are loved, and some of us have the freak flag. Some of us go through phases: little patches in life in which we carry the freak flag, and little patches in which we're popular, and loved.

Generally, if you're one of the more normal people in this world, your freak patches were in sync with your peers. Unfortunately, some of us were considered more freakish than others, and in the fortunate category are those of you that seemed to have an easier or smoother life, while all the rest of us faced our insecurities. Now, when all of you thought that your freak patch fell in times only of adolescence and all that comes with it, then you are sorely mistaken. These phases, I have decided, continue on for just a little longer.

I say all of this because, even though I thought I had finally established a solid foundation of self that could not be swayed in every which way by the comments of my peers, I was indeed mistaken.

Remember that phrase? Sticks and stones may break my bones... yadda yadda...


See, no matter how much you build a solid, confident self, the words of the people you respect, love and admire, no matter how false and hurtful, will cut to the core. Maybe it was something someone said that you know you shouldn't take personally. You know that they don't mean it the way you take it, or perhaps they do mean it, but you should just toss what they said into the garbage anyways... Whatever it is, it hurts.

Unfortunately... I have found this has happened a lot lately. But it's not even stuff I feel I should toss. No, this is stuff that is absolutely, 100% true. But it still hurts.

This being said, I have found myself singing that above, immature, eight-year-old-pity-party song a whole lot lately. I don't mean to sulk and get grumpy about those things, but in all honesty, I think it's just enough to have to deal with those things on your own, knowing that you struggle with those problems, then having someone expose your flaws and have everyone else ridicule them.

Ever heard of the song high school by Superchick? No? Well, the premise is quite profound actually. Ready for it?

High school never ends.

People will always talk behind your back, people will always compete in a popularity contest, people will always create drama. I'm sorry, but I choose a more abundant, significant life. One in which my identity is not founded on what others say about me, no matter how truthful. This life is not based on how successful you are, how much money you have or how secure you are in the things of this world. This is not the end. People may call you socially awkward, call you skinny or fat, obnoxiously loud or super shy. The truth is, God made you the way you are, and he has placed this intricate map into your hand that will direct you through a rough, saddening and messed up world. You can listen to those people who will tell you the truth to your face, but just because it's the truth, doesn't mean it's something that you have to change. You may be super shy, or obnoxiously loud, but you're not here to please them. You don't have to bow down to them, you don't even have to listen.

Just breathe. It's your life. Not theirs.


Brittney Galloway said...

Dear Raphaela,
I love you,
And I think you're brilliant.

Shea said...

I am going to sit here and read all of your posts. you're such an amazing writer!!! This one was especially true and its so inspiring Raph, I am really impressed.